Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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