shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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