I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Randomize
