Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
