i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
