so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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