so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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