everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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