Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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