you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Randomize
