Fine. I'll sleep in my office
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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