direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
