My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
