Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
