Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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