She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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