Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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