Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
