Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
