dude i'm inner monologue high
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
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people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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