My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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