i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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