Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
