my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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