I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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