Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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