A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
