who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
