you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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