Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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