so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
