If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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