The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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