8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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