either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
