How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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