I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
