i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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