the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
