I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
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