i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
