I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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