He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
