He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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