writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
