"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
