I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
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College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
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Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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