So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
