did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
