i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
