yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Randomize
