I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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