I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
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