Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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