you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
