I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
