Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
The ass gains better be worth it
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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