i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
